Meinhaj Hussain, email@example.com
It is with the greatest heart filled joy that I share with you the news that the Pakistan Army has finally reacted in a meaningful way to the recent attacks. It has been learned (not confirmed) that the Chief of Army Staff, General Kayani, has fired the regional commander that bungled up and did not call air support during the attack. He has also issued orders to arm the border soldiers "appropriately", which we can only guess will involve Anza MkII manpads that can take down US choppers and aircraft, at the push of a fire-and-forget button.
The Good General (may Allah be pleased with him and forgive him) has also ordered an aggressive streamlining of the command structure giving officers on the ground the authority to respond without seeking approval in the event of aggression. He has also given the PAF the task to now defend Pakistani airspace without seeking approval and even if 2 planes were lost for every NATO/US warplane, and to fight for all his forces, even if the exchange rate is 200 to 1.
Meanwhile, NATO is to leave the Shamsi airbase and the blockade of the supply route will continue. Now good Sir, if you would humor us a little more:
1. Manpads for the Afghan Taliban.
2. Close the supply route permanently.
3. Close the airspace to NATO.
4. Ensure the coming elections are not rigged and Imran Khan gets his due.
5. Retire the pro-American senior officers.
6. Let the CJ hang Haqqani and Zardari.
7. Perhaps a little more humor for Hekmatyar, as he is helping block the Northern route.
Last but not the least, if you would be so kind as to declare the above officially rather than through unofficial leaks.
Even if none of the additional demands are of immediate concern to you, may Allah bless you, if what we hear is true. We are going to sleep tonight a lot better.